The loss of a loved one can turn your world upside down. As psychologist Sherry Cormier explains, when someone you care about passes away, people often seek certainty in a time filled with chaos. This desire for understanding contributes to the ongoing fascination with the “five stages of grief,” a concept introduced over 50 years ago that remains relevant today. David Kessler, who co-authored “On Grief and Grieving” with the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, emphasizes that while the stages have been widely discussed, they were not meant to prescribe a linear approach to grief. Kübler-Ross originally outlined these stages in her influential book “On Death and Dying,” published in 1969, aiming to create awareness around the dying process.
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The Five Stages of Grief
The five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are frameworks that help individuals process grief, though experts note that grief does not follow a strict order. Kessler points out that Kübler-Ross acknowledged the complexity of grief and intended to encourage dialogue around the subject rather than impose a rigid structure.
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1. Denial
Denial serves a protective function in the early stages of grief. It allows individuals to gradually process the reality of their loss. According to Kessler, denial helps to spread the overwhelming pain of loss over time, allowing individuals to adjust without being consumed by immediate despair. While it can be unhealthy if someone clings to denial in a dysfunctional way, the initial shock can help them cope with the emotional fallout. Cormier suggests that if someone is struggling with denial, it may be beneficial to confront the reality of the loss rather than resist it.
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2. Anger
Anger is a natural and valid response to loss. Kessler describes anger as “pain’s bodyguard,” a way to express deeper feelings of pain and loss. This stage can manifest as anger directed at various targets—be it the deceased, oneself, a higher power, or even external circumstances. Cormier explains that anger can provide structure in the tumultuous waters of grief, allowing individuals to focus their emotions instead of feeling lost. However, anger often masks deeper feelings of helplessness and guilt. Kessler encourages people to channel their anger positively, whether through physical activity or other forms of expression, to release pent-up emotions healthily.
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3. Bargaining
Bargaining often arises from feelings of guilt. Individuals may find themselves thinking in “if only” statements, wishing they had acted differently before the loss. This stage involves a yearning to reverse the circumstances or alleviate the pain. Kessler notes that bargaining is a way for individuals to grapple with the loss, though it is important to remember that sometimes tragic events occur beyond our control.
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4. Depression
Depression signifies the deeper impact of loss on one’s life. As individuals begin to grasp the reality that their loved one is gone, they may experience profound sadness and withdrawal from daily activities. Cormier highlights that sadness can surface at unexpected times, sometimes years after the loss. This delayed reaction can be due to the temporary illusion that the deceased might return. Kessler advises that sadness should not always be classified as clinical depression; however, if feelings persist and interfere with daily life, it may be wise to seek professional evaluation and support.
To cope with feelings of sadness, connecting with others, joining support groups, and prioritizing self-care are crucial strategies.
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5. Acceptance
Acceptance does not imply that you are okay with the loss; rather, it signifies that you recognize and accept the new reality of your life. Cormier shares her personal experience as a widow, expressing that acceptance entails acknowledging the absence of loved ones and the changes in your life. Kessler adds that acceptance is not an endpoint; it may involve many small moments of coming to terms with the loss over time. He often reminds people that grief is a long-term process, suggesting that as time passes, the pain associated with loss may soften, allowing for cherished memories to emerge with more love than sorrow.
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The New Sixth Stage: Finding Meaning
After experiencing profound grief, Kessler sought to explore a deeper level beyond acceptance. Drawing from the work of Viktor Frankl, a renowned neurologist and psychiatrist, Kessler’s concept of “Finding Meaning” emerged as a potential sixth stage of grief. He explains that finding meaning does not erase pain but instead provides a cushion against it. It may manifest in various forms, such as recognizing life’s fragility, advocating for change, or engaging in acts of kindness that honor the deceased.
the journey through grief is deeply personal and varies for each individual. Embracing the complexity of these emotions can lead to healing and ultimately allow individuals to move forward while carrying the memory of their loved ones with them.
